Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Avast, Ye Blaggards!

"It's just one ant."

"When was the last time you saw just one ant???"
from "Honey, I Shrunk the Kids" 1989

My house and home has been invaded. It started many many weeks ago, with a few little ants on my kitchen counter. I hurriedly performed the miracle act that has prevented the mass influx in past years - I cloroxed everything. Everything off the counter, washed, cleaner liberally used, floors washed, dishtowels laundered. I went to bed breathing a sigh of relief.

Fast forward several weeks, and I am still fighting those damned little bastards. In 2 weeks I used an entire spray-bottle of that miracle cleaner. No bacteria could possibly have been colonizing, but there were those little pests, happily making their way into my sink. My counters stayed empty enough for a TV cooking show, excepting the marching line of 6-legged infantry, preparing for guerrilla warfare. It's a good thing we have had such a rainy season thus far with the amount of water I have been using, running the laundry and dishwasher. I am, in other words, a suburban-housewife-turned-vigilante. This is WAR!

For those who know my personal shopping record, you would be impressed to know that I stood in that poison aisle of Walmart for 25 minutes staring at the possibilities. Not only did I read those darn labels, all promising a 100% death rate, take-no-prisoners approach, but I bought name brand!!! This was serious. We ended up emptying the entire spray bottle in one place, the black ant mecca under our landscaping pallets. Well, at least we hit them where it hurt. *whew* All done, and I went to bed with an aura of peaceful victory. Desperate times do call for desperate measures, after all.

Fast-forward less than a week. Hm, their numbers are even greater than previous estimates, and their determination would be admirable in any other creature. My morale is low, my energy and brain power has sunk even further. I am near defeat. Maybe I should bake them a cake and make them feel at home. My infant picks up a book off the floor and ends up chasing the ant up her arm. My Morale is BACK - Who do they think they are? Aarrrgggggg, mateys, there's a new wind in the sails!

This time I have spread poison granules around entrances to our house (on the outside, of course). *insert name-brand cursing* I have once again begun the massive disinfection, dis-crumbing of our counters. "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I have a toddler and an ant infestation and I can't remember the last time I swept my kitchen floor." I thoroughly swept my kitchen floors again finally. I completely and thoroughly washed the high chair. Then I dealt them what had darn site better be the final blow - I resorted to my mother's advice! My kitchen absolutely stinks of white vinegar. It's forming a line barrier against the back door, it's all over my kitchen counter, and it's in my window sill. I think I will be smelling bad salad dressing forever. Why couldn't we at least used balsamic? (that was rhetorical.)

I am bound and determined to rid ourselves of the black blaggards, who have become the bane of my existence. Ant poison traps and mobile infants with a strong gravitational pull to their mouths do not mix well. Any other suggestions out there?


Angela said...

Only 25 minutes in Walmart?! Is that some sort of World record?! Maybe it is my fault after all that we are always in there for at least an hour!! BTW--our ants are OUT OF CONTROL too...curse those tiny creepy crawly pests!

Christine said...

Dryer Sheets are supposed to work well too - they don't like the smell and they disrupt the ant's tracks. Good luck!

Kathy said...

It took two weeks before our traps started to work, We just found creative place to find them that the kids couldn't get at. Under the couch, behind the microwave.