Sunday, June 27, 2010

A Roller-Coaster

I'm not going to pretend otherwise - the emotions are on overdrive! We welcomed a beautiful, perfect, healthy Baby into our family just over 3 weeks ago. We brought him home, subjecting him to the chaos and love that makes up normalcy in our home. His home. I was surprised by the amount he slept! I was happy that he only seemed to want to nurse once overnight. He was gaining weight and watching his sisters. I snuggled him on the swing and went grocery shopping with just him. Normal life looked promising.

I watched him start to struggle to breathe. "Wow," I thought, "I know babies breathe fast but look at him. Look at his toes, so purple. My girls had little blue toes but his look so dark. Was that nasal flaring?" My usual easy-going demeanor was being replaced by a paranoia every time I looked at him. I was so thankful his follow-up was close and we could hurry and clear up my unfounded concerns. The doctor went with his gut reaction, saying that if we waited until Monday he wouldn't sleep all weekend. God Bless him. My concerns were not unfounded. My suspicions were correct - we had a beautiful, perfect little boy, but he was not healthy.

Although the calendar says he's been in the hospital for 2 weeks I'm sure it's been 4 months. From scared to hopeful to relieved to scared to concerned to hopeful - lather, rinse, repeat. And that's multiple times a day, most days. He has had 2 surgeries, 12 medications, 2 life-supporting machines, heart monitoring, central venous access, drainage tube, oxygen level monitoring, countless echocardiograms, 1 CT scan, 1 MRI, blood draws. His little body has been through more than most people will experience in 50 years of life.

Sometimes I look at him in pure awe - that God's precious gift to us would teach us so much so quickly. That it is thanks to the wonders of modern medicine that he is alive and the prognosis is so good. That someone who was so sick and so tiny could be such a fighter. That God loves us so much to allow us this challenge. Sometimes I picture his face and my arms ache to hold him. I know much more capable Arms are cradling him when I can't. My only consolation is the reassurance that the ONE in charge Loves Joey even more than I do. It doesn't help the emotional roller-coaster, but it's true.

For on-going updates about Joseph's condition, please check out the blog we started just for updates in his condition.


Ute said...

I'm so glad that little Joey is doing better, and that you still feel God's love for you. I'll keep praying for you, Joey, and your family!

Christine said...

O Kate! This is a beautiful post! Still praying for you!

celiacatharine said...

Kate, Your faith is a blessing to all of us who know you. Thank you for your beautiful post and your ability to see God's love in your most trying times.